I am an introvert; not shy, just kind of quiet. I love/need solitude, especially early in the morning. I don’t argue or debate; I am not a self promoting kind of guy. I love Socrates’ saying, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” I probably do this too much.
But I do struggle with pride…backdoor pride.
I first came to realize this during our small group sessions at church. We were looking at the Kingdom of God with a study called Kingdom Come. About halfway through our six week sessions, the thought came to me that I struggle with pride. At first it seemed absurd. Me…struggle with pride? I have enough of a struggle with self esteem.
I had always thought of pride as an arrogant, self promoting kind of thing where someone thinks only of themselves. As it turns out, pride can take another turn.
John Newton (Amazing Grace) was corresponding with another person who was genuinely depressed over his sinfulness. He declared that not even God could love him enough. He could never be forgiven. Newton wrote him back and told him in so many words that he was exhibiting pride and self righteousness. I thought about this and decided that the man thought he was too bad for God to love; that his sinfulness was greater than God’s love; God’s grace.
I thought (or it was given to me), that’s backdoor pride; pride that does not promote ourselves over others, but declares that we are too bad for even God to love or forgive us. It sneaks in, and we don't even realize it.
I realized that I was not as bad off as this guy was, but I thought that when I get discouraged because of a failure, or get my feelings hurt too easily that in effect I was saying, “How could they do that to me…ME?” I must have thought myself too nice a guy; too kind; too easy going for something like that to ever happen to me. I had too high of an opinion of myself, although it may not have shown outwardly very much…and did not even realize it. You might even call it ‘introvert pride’.
Then I found some resources that put me on the road to recovery. One of these was John Eldredge’s book Waking the Dead (the title sounds like a zombie novel…). I realized that perhaps my self analysis was becoming too much; too damaging, causing me to be too hard on myself. I was looking at my imperfections too closely and getting terribly discouraged about them, and then I would go into a slide. Eldredge had a thread running through his book that reminded me, “My heart is good; I am valuable to God.” I don’t have to drag my spiritual feet over my sinfulness, my weakness, my failures. One scripture that came to mind was, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here.” (2 Cor. 5:17: NIV) I am a new creation. God has made my heart right.
Psalm 116:7 also spoke loudly to me. “Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” (NIV)
Perfect? Not even close, and never will be in this life. But, I am loved; I am valuable to God and my loved ones. I am God’s son; his child. He is constantly re-creating me into his image. I don't have to put up with inner struggles anymore, “…for the Lord has been good to [me].”
I am happy to report that peace has returned.
Maybe it’s time to put Socrates away.
Thanks be to God.
